?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Beginnings (of a sort) - Youlian's Random Ramblings [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Youlian

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Beginnings (of a sort) [Nov. 2nd, 2010|01:32 am]
Youlian
[Current Music |Ryu's theme (Jazz arrangement)]

So I haven't talked to my family much recently, whereby family, I mean you guys.  Half-apologies about that.

I say half because if I were truly apologetic, well, I would have just written home more often, because I've certainly had the thought quite a few times.  Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is that I am rarely up to writing anything more than a sentence or two (which is funny, considering I historically have been the kind of person who writes super lengthy posts), and I don't want to flood people's LJs with tens of two-sentence posts.  But aha!  What if we compiled all of those two-sentence posts into a... I don't know... fourteen sentence post?  Then maybe it'll be worth reading!  Yes!  Yes!  Let's do it!

Every day from now until I get tired of it, I will write down some thought that has been going through my mind recently, or some event that happened that day, or, well... something.  I'll try to make it interesting, and hopefully through it you'll get bits and pieces of what I'm thinking about and what's going on in my life.  When I think there's enough content for a reasonable post, I'll post the last few entries.  If nothing else, this will make for interesting reading for me in the future.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, November 1, 2010:  Nicky was bragging about how he stayed up until 6am or something similar for the umpteenth time this year.  I was in a grumpy mood, and when I am in these moods, I tend to show it, so I told him in a probably-not-at-all-useful-to-him-way that he was going to get his ass kicked in college if he kept this up.  I was fully aware that I was being mean, but I didn't care much -- He's not a friend, and I don't particularly like him, so it's not all that bad, right?  Certainly not bad enough to make me stop myself.

I later told Nikita (not to be confused with Nicky) about this event, using it as an example of how I get into moods where I just want to tell people off.  Her comments resulted in an... interesting observation about myself.  Nikita:  "Did you make an effort to stop yourself?" Me:  "Oh, I knew full well that what I was doing was mean" Nikita:  "Right, but did you try to stop?"  Me:  "I mean... I knew what I was doing"  Nikita:  "That's not the point, did you try to stop?"  Me:  "*pause*... I guess not.  How the hell did that never occur to me?"

Somehow I have been equating "being aware of a bad thing" with "making efforts to fix a bad thing," and while the first is a prerequisite for the second, the two are not identical.  Thankee, Nikita!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, November 2, 2010:  When prompted to think of things that they found annoying about me (this conversation comes up if you talk to me -- I always want to know what other people think of me), someone claimed that I was too afraid of failure.  I disagreed.  It's true that I'm risk-averse, but it's not because I fear failure (I might be wrong here, but I really don't think it's the norm), but rather that I desire success.  There is a time and a pacing for all things, and if I don't think that this is the right time to attempt something or the right way to attempt it, I will wait and do it correctly later.

I can think of one notable exception to this claim, where I do fear failure, but I'm working on that one.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
LinkReply